Navigating Miscarriage Etiquette at Work: Empathy and Support in the Office
An article in Forbes magazine discussed taking time off from work after suffering a pregnancy loss, a subject that is very dear to Bryant and I. The Fertility Resort has taken on fertility struggles in the workplace as an advocacy topic that we hope to shed light on as we develop.
Thank you for the inspiration, Elizabeth king.
Suffering a miscarriage is a tragic loss. It’s equivalent to any other death in the family and should be looked at that way, with quiet respect and understanding. A person needs time and space to process the situation, which unfortunately includes handling physical struggles, too. Undoubtedly affected in spirit, but there are also material circumstances that come with it. The importance of caring for one’s mind and body after a pregnancy loss is of the utmost importance for that woman, and that couple, to be able to move forward.
Currently, there is momentum to create human resource ethics codes for people struggling with infertility and all forms of family planning. When dealing with topics so personal and tender, it’s important to recognize there is pain associated with it, and many people are fearful that it might affect their employment or professional circumstances. That should be the least of someone’s concerns in such a shocking and vulnerable time.
Our workspaces must continue to evolve and acknowledge these challenges with as little input as necessary so that workers and leaders can maintain privacy, dignity, and autonomy as they process their loss.
Owners, bosses, partners, and husbands can suffer a miscarriage, too. The last thing they should have to do is divulge the details to someone in power and feel additionally isolated, stressed, or at risk as a result.
If you have suffered from a pregnancy loss and need to ask for some time off from work, here are some steps that you or your partner can take in the hopes of keeping it simple and private yet still having your needs met.
Take a moment to plan a meeting and create your strategy. Dealing with emotional situations isn’t easy for most people, and you don’t want to surprise your superior or have them think you are inconsiderate of their ability to respond properly. Set the scene with a simple suggestion that lets them know this is a tender topic and you would appreciate their grace and discretion as you give them the details.
Taking a beat before you approach your team or boss helps to avoid bothersome workplace chatter. Decreasing the “What happened?” and “Are you okay?” narrative is very helpful in reducing negative emotions at work.
Approach the situation with a clear intention. Hopefully, Your boss and team will be supportive, but they might offer more empathy if you have a clear plan for your absence. Consider things from their perspective, too, and try to imagine what concerns they might have that would lead them to deny your request. Outline the number of days you need off, draft a plan for shifting work meetings or other obligations, provide outsource options for your duties, and include a work-from-home schedule to make it easier for them to say yes and be very supportive without feeling at a disadvantage.
Offer national standards that support your case, and mention how other corporate agencies have embraced paid bereavement leave as a great incentive for employees. You might provide a few examples that support the number of days you asked for, which will help them see how aligning with these changes puts them in a better position and builds a stronger team of satisfied and supported workers.
Explain how this loss might affect your performance. Be honest yet concise. If a loss occurs in early pregnancy then you might only feel like a few days is warranted. If your pregnancy has advanced to the point that it’s public knowledge, or visible, then you are likely going to want to ask for more time. You shouldn’t have to disclose your personal information in a way that feels compromising, but you can take the opportunity to offer some explanation to someone who may not have any reference point for your circumstances. If you’ve had previous losses, you might want to acknowledge the compounding effect and how you need more time to process your grief. If you have the capacity to take on a leadership role here, you are paving the way for women and couples that come after you.
You could add that you have already consulted with a therapist or counselor to help you process your grief and that you have taken steps to assist in your healing process. If your employer has any employee support benefits like this let them know you plan to take advantage of those.
Write down a brief of your ask for your superior, so they can keep a record of it and possibly use it to help make decisions regarding policies moving forward. If you are asking for a few days off or work from home, document it and note any other suggestions you made regarding team swaps and meeting changes so they can check to be sure those tasks are handled. The more detailed you can be the more likely you are to get what you want without them having to work hard. Send it as an email attachment so that you have a time-stamped record for you both.
If you need support feeling justified in this ask, take a minute to read this article from SHRM regarding how this bereavement concept is taking hold in the business world. In California, bereavement leave guarantees up to five paid days off, and there is momentum to include pregnancy loss. We are in a time of great changes, and we need willing disruptors to continue to advance the goals of compassionate workplaces.
